In addition to all that other stuff, Dan Quayle has a rock-solid commitment to:
- Introduce a "Platinum Coverage" indulgence package for those who can afford to pay for their sins.
- Wipe out the Christadelphians once and for all.
- Bring bone-crushing crosier action to papal visits in heathen countries.
- Promote clean, decent, heterodoxic values.
- Offer a choice of regular or vanilla wafers at every Holy Communion.
- Infallibly dictate the true names of root vegetables and questionable fruits.
- Adopt the papal name "Pope Suburban I."
Dan Quayle's other qualifications include:
- Attended Sunday School semi-regularly as a small boy.
- Owns a leather-bound edition of Sister Gertrude's Big Encyclopedia of Saints and Popes.
- Has always wanted to ride in the Popemobile.
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